Partying Made Easy: Admit One

Baldwin Louie — Fri, 06 Aug 1999 15:00:00 -0700

The industry party is the place to be! While the industry party is the last place to go for "getting horizontal," there's nothing like schmoozing up a storm for a vertical promotion! Let's go!

CHOOSING THE RIGHT PARTY

Before you can start building your "network" by engaging in mindless banter, where market caps pass for punchlines, you have to find the right party. This is easy.

If there's an "Interactive" or a ".com" or a "Ventures" in the title, it's the right party. If there's a keg of microbrew, stoned-wheat crackers and cheese with specks, a few flashing lights, bad techno music or some kind of "theme" (Java in the Bahamas, anyone?), you're at the right party. If there are more than three attractive women milling about, and one of them isn't Kim Polese, you're definitely at the wrong party. [Editor's Note: The Standard's rooftop parties are an obvious exception.]

THE LOOK

The invitation, if you had gotten one, would have called for "festive attire." This means black. Frayed, wrinkled blue jeans are strictly for the office. Tonight, wear your black pair instead. Show your personality by accessorizing with the latest fashions from today's hottest designers - 3Com (COMS), Motorola (MOT), Nokia (NOK).

ADMIT ONE

How do you count yourself among the digerati? Try just showing up. Remember, since the Internet Economy has everyone working 120-hour weeks, most events are in desperate need of warm bodies. Make a beeline for the food table and load up! You're doing them a favor.

If you're stopped at the door, congratulate yourself. You're about to attend an extremely exclusive function. Give your name to the nice marketing assistant with the guest list and say, "Someone from the office was supposed to RSVP for me." If that fails to get you in, try "I got an invite" and wave a smudged printout retrieved from a recycling bin. If none of the above works for you, you can always claim you're "press." A spiral-bound reporter's notebook can be had for a dollar and change at any Office Depot (ODP). But leave the fedora at home; you are not Matt Drudge.

If you still can't get in, there's something wrong. You're wearing black and acting anxious and timid. You should fit in perfectly. If you don't, it's not the right party. You must have it confused with an event that people actually want to attend.

WORKING THE ROOM

Don't enter the room and feel awkward because everyone else is looking at you awkwardly. They have awkward looks because they themselves are feeling awkward. Can you smile? Good. You're already ahead of the game. You don't need to be introduced or even introduce yourself. Instead, just walk up to any conversing group. Now look bored and stare at your shoes. Do not make eye contact! Whenever someone says "banner," "branding" or "broadband," chuckle derisively. ("Beyond the browser" gets a belly laugh.) When business cards are exchanged, add yours to the mix. You're in!

WHAT TO SAY AT THE INDUSTRY PARTY

"I hear they already missed their first two launch dates."
"You might say that the jury's still out on MP3.com, but have you seen the stock price? The public market seems to have weighed in with its opinion."
"I really can't talk about what I'm working on right now. We're under mutual NDAs with a major player in the consumer-services arena."
"Do you have a business card?"

WHAT NOT TO SAY

"The other day I was surfing on the Internet - you know, the World Wide Web? Anyway ..."
"Maybe you've met me in a chat room? I'm the Duke of URL."
"Yeah, I was just working on my home-page before I came over here. I updated my resume. Added a photo of myself that I took with my QuickCam. You should check it out."

DON'T DANCE

See that large empty area in the middle of the room, in front of the DJ? That's the dance floor. You may be tempted to enter it. Don't. This is for one of two reasons:

You can't dance.
You can't dance, you just don't know it.

Standing with a drink in your hand while talking up your one-way ticket into the phenomenal wealth of the Internet Economy is a more effective use of your time. If you must, you can bob your head to the music.

EXIT GRACEFULLY

Trapped by some bore who insists on talking about his personal life? Blurt out: "Really? Because I'm looking for funding." Even though everybody's looking for their "next round," admitting so is the Internet equivalent of panhandling. In an industry without social graces, this is the only real faux pas you can make. Anyone within earshot will clear out immediately.

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Partying Made Easy: Admit One