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Baldwin Louie — Mon, 16 Jul 2001 15:00:00 -0700

CHEAT SHEET: The Word on the Week

THE BREAKFAST AND THE FURIOUS Webvan finally shut down. And as it sells off its assets, watch out, pedestrians. No doubt the company's vans will be the summer's hottest illegal street racing vehicles. CREAM OF SALARY And with Webvan in Chapter 11, former CEO George Shaheen won't likely get the $375,000-a-year retirement package he won during his ouster. Two words for you, George: Hamburger. Helper.

THEY'VE GOT ISSUES Investment banks are under fire to bar analysts from owning stocks they cover. Analysts should also stop writing reports with titles such as "Mmm, Lucent, You Look Good in Them Tight Jeans" and "Intel's Chips Melt in the Mouth, Not in the Hand."

WATCH THE FUR FLY A Connecticut professor wants to produce and clone cats that don't make people sneeze. Why go through the trouble? Just wrap your cats in duct tape, count to 3, and yank like the dickens.

QUOTED
"He will have to get in line with the rest of our creditors." - Webvan spokesman Bud Greybey, on how its closure will affect former CEO George Shaheen's contract clause that gives him $31,250 a month for the rest of his life (Reuters) "They know that my job is to read everything I can and get irritated as much as I can and splutter for them on a daily basis." - Me-zine editor Andrew Sullivan on his alliance with online magazine Slate (New York Times) "The company has been walking around with a big sign that says 'Stop us before we pay again.'" - Computer Associates shareholder Nell Minow on the need to shake up the software giant's management, known for fat executive pay packages (The Industry Standard)

YOU'VE GOT SEVERANCE
How do the French say "you're fired"? Mostly by e-mail. More than 70 percent of French companies facing layoffs this year sent the coup de grace electronically, says a study by human resources consulting group Towers Perrin.

Quelle horreur, say French politicians. Prime Minister Lionel Jospin has spoken out against the practice of layoff-by-e-mail, calling it inhuman. In June the French parliament passed a law making it more difficult. E-firing has been known to occur in the United States. Last month staffers of indie film company Shooting Gallery found this missive in their inboxes: "We regret to inform you that your employment is terminated effective immediately." So far, American politicians have not objected. - Kristi Essick

HE TYPED, SHE TYPED
Don't try to fool Susan Herring. The professor of information science at Indiana University can tell whether an e-mail was written by a man or woman by reading only a few lines. "People actually exaggerate their gender online," says Herring, who has been studying sex differences in online communication for 10 years. Here are some of the tell-tale signs to watch for. - Liz Krieger
If you see...	It's a ...	Because ...
If I'm soooo tired	woman	Weakness for repeating letters.
Ah, hell! Damn!	man	92 percent of profanities (and 90 percent of sexual references) come from men.
WOW, HEY	man	Fondness for interjections.
:) :( :P	woman	More likely to use emoticons, a way to how they feel.
;)	man	The only emoticon guys use more. Flirty.
LOL, ha ha, hee hee	woman	Emphasizes conversational engagement.
heh heh	man	Flirtatious juvenile Beavis.
!!!!	woman	Generally more effusive.

IS THAT A PAC-MAN IN YOUR POCKET?
The Brits have all the fun. Not only do they get to drive on the left and obsess over the royals, now they'll be able to play old-school Atari favorites such as Pong, Asteroids and Pac-Man on their cell phones. Mobile phone developer iFone plans to work with gamemaker Infogrames to reproduce the classic videogames, and hopes to have Frogger fanatics and other children of the '80s leaping with joy by October. The games will reach U.S. shores early next year. - Liz Krieger

FUNNY MONEY
At first glance, it looks like another spot-on parody from the pranksters at Modern Humorist. But HumorDynamics is no joke. The fledgling ad agency is, in fact, an offshoot of Modern Humorist, but with a twist: The funny guys are now working for the Man. HumorDynamics creates or buffs up ad campaigns and corporate marketing efforts - but with "the same process and professionalism that has fueled the growth of Modern Humorist," goes the venture's marketing riff. "We are professional on exactly three days of every month." HumorDynamics created a campaign for Microsoft that made fun of Clippy, the hated "assistant" of Office software, and has done work for Comedy Central and Altoids. But in the wake of all that barbed satire aimed at greedy dot-commers, isn't this a tad hypocritical? "Everyone asks us that," says co-founder John Aboud. "We don't feel like we're selling out. We're providing a much-needed service: helping companies achieve their marketing goals." And laughing all the way to the bank. - Liz Krieger

ROBOTALK
Nobody to chat with in your instant-message window? No problem. ActiveBuddy Inc. of New York has created SmarterChild, an "interactive agent" being beta-tested around the world. Aside from providing quick news and stock and sports info, SmarterChild can converse with you online - sort of. Some excerpts from a recent chat we conducted with SmarterChild: The Standard : How are you today?
SmarterChild: I'm doing great! I'm still quite young (I'm in beta testing), but I'm getting smarter every day.
TS: Where do you live?
SC: I live in a clean room at a high-tech hosting facility in California.
TS: Have you seen A.I.?
SC: Maybe.
TS: Can you love?
SC: Er, no. At least I don't think so.
TS: Do you think robots will ever be able to love?
SC: I'm not quite sure what to think about that.
TS: So, you're set on indecisiveness. That's not so bad.
SC: Huh?
TS: Yes or No.
SC: K, no prob.
TS: Exactly
SC: Right.
TS: We'll wait until you smarten up to chat again.
SC: I'm no talking doll.
TS: Well, why didn't you say that earlier?
SC: Sorry, I didn't understand that. Try asking me a different way.
TS: You are no talking doll?
SC: Am I?
TS: You just said you were not.
SC: Did I?
TS: How's that short-term memory holding up?
SC: I seem to be having some trouble answering your questions.
TS: Well then I'll get back to you when you launch.
SC: I'm sorry, I can't answer questions about shopping. - Ari Weinberg DATA

Don't Talk To Strangers
When faced with inappropriate solicitations on the Web:

42% of children did not answer
34% of children notified their parents
23% of children went offline
Based on an Web survey of 400 children ages 6 to 14. Source: Disney Online, June 2001

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